Many years ago I was in Court facing off against another attorney in a breach of contract action. By this point I was already working in TV, and would take half days off to argue motions. Here is a brief description I wrote years ago:
So back to court and I see something that made me wish I had been anywhere but there. I would have preferred the Black Death to seeing what I saw. So there I am in front of the judge, confidence not at an all time high, I mean I even used that old technique of imagining someone in their underwear, but seeing this 300 pound wheezing old man in his underwear did not really put me at ease, it was more of a state of shock. So anyway there I am before Jabba the Hut and I look over at my opponent and there it was. If I had just eaten it would have wound up on the bench. So I look over and see the longest nose hairs I have ever seen in my life, I swear, they reached down to this guy’s upper lip, it was like strands of dental floss hanging down for the taking. To this day I’m convinced that he left them that way so he could put people in a trance, just have them sway back and forth and he could get you to do anything he wanted. It was like I was being hypnotized, I could think of nothing else then those foot long hairs hanging out of his nose. I was mortified, but more importantly I was shocked that no one else said anything. It was like I was in some dawn of the dead movie where everyone is a zombie. He put that whole fuckin courtroom in a comatose state. There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t run because those things would have lassoed me right up and back to my spot. I was stuck, yet again, me the judge and nose hair. Fortunately, this time the judge ruled in my favor and I quit, going out on a winning note.
