I love the beach. I love walking on the sand, the sound of the waves, the smell of suntan lotion. I don’t care how many ill fitting bath suits and drunken tattoos I see, walking for miles on a beach is a wonderful thing. And the icing on the cake is of course, topless bathing. Yes, I’m 50 going on 14 and next year I’ll be 51 going on 14; hence topless sunbathing is the best. Now, when you’re in the US you don’t expect to see it, when you do, big bonus. But when you’re traveling overseas, you expect it. Foreigners are much more advanced when it comes to boobs, well I guess except in the gulf coast countries, but something tells me I won’t be heading to the beaches there anytime soon. In the 5 days on the beautiful beaches of Mexico I saw exactly one set, two boobs. It was a tease, the first day, there they were, sitting a few chairs down. It’s like winning the first time you go gambling, you think it’s always going to happen and most times in the future you’re disappointed. And much like gambling, and the search for the win, there wasn’t a lack of trying. Hours were spent walking countless miles, feet with third degree burns where I always forget to put the lotion. Nothing. Not a boob in sight. Not even inadvertently like when someone is putting on their top after laying on their stomach. Nothing. With no boobs in sight, the hotel makes up for it this way:
“Hola amigo, what can I get you to drink, some tequila?”
“Vodka, dos Equis, agua?”
Drinks galore. While you’re sitting, walking, sleeping, ruminating over no topless women, it doesn’t matter, there’s always someone there to get you a drink. Take a sip and a new one materializes, it’s like you’re not allowed to be sober at any point. But no matter how much alcohol they inject into you, the effects wear off as soon as the family of 12, including one grandparent, her oldest son and his wife with four kids, the younger sister and her husband and their twin infants, the single drunk youngest sibling set up in the chairs next you, because wherever you are, is where they want to be. And they’re loud, screaming at each other in their own language. That’s right, 12 people, 12 languages. And they only revert to English when they’re barking out their orders to the waiter. The one and only salvation is when the kids start screaming enough and turn a bright shade of red, they’re finally packed up and taken back to the pool. Peace and quiet. And then all of a sudden, a new voice emerges.
“Hey lady, come play volleyball with us”
That’s the come on the buff beach staff uses to get the women to play volleyball. But not just any women, they look for women with bikinis and not just any bikinis, but ones that look like they might shift during a rousing drunk game of beach volleyball. I have to say I must admire their game, both literary and figuratively. Perhaps boobs would be seen. Now being the only player who spoke only English, everyone had a field day talking about the “Americano” and “chupa” and it had nothing to do with a Jewish wedding. Given the fact that using the term “chupa” was being kind, I tapped out to let a 15 year old take my place, took my waiting drink and went back to my chair which was now surrounded by a moat dug by another kid who was now naked while getting his diaper changed.
Having walked, drank, humiliated myself on the volleyball court, the last highlight of any beach adventure are of course the water sports. Between the kayaks, paddle boards, sunfish sailboats and jet skis, the cornered off portion of the ocean is a mass of people who have no idea how to navigate their vessel. Ten minutes after launch, more than half of them need rescuing. I assume that’s why when you sign the waiver before taking out the equipment you agree that any dismemberment is your own fault and that any rescue is NOT covered by the all inclusive. You also agree that you’re not under the influence of any alcohol, but then again, who reads anything. With rules like that, I’ll go back to drinking and searching.
Having said all that, I’m not going to complain.
#50goingon14 #mexico #beach #rivieramaya #watersports #beachvolleyball #insangucafe
